PND and me - Guest Blog - Beki Beer

This month I have been sharing with you some of my experiences and the experiences of other mums to. 

Today Beki from Believe in Me shares her experiences. 

When I look back the depression started in pregnancy, I wanted to feel excited and knew I was or should be, but I just couldn’t feel it. I didn’t feel happy but I also didn’t feel sad, I just couldn’t feel anything. 

Some days the pressure of others expectations of how I should react was too much. I hid it well and no-one knew anything was wrong but somewhere deep down I knew something wasn’t right. 

When Baby was born we went through the normal highs and lows of visitors and settling into a new family routine but that feeling of something not being right didn’t go away. 

I found myself not being able to cope with every day things or when Baby was crying. I remember being sat with tears streaming down my face but staring because I had no energy to do anything else. Situations got too much very quickly and I’d go into meltdown mode. I convinced myself it wasn’t PND and carried on. Fear took hold and told me my baby would be taken if anyone found out, so i suffered in silence. 

My husband was an absolute rock during that time, he did his best to help me through and pick up the slack of what I couldn’t do at home along with working full time. He brought the baby to me in the night to feed and got up with them in the mornings so I could get an hours extra sleep. He encouraged me to go to the doctors but in my stubbornness I refused and said I’d go if it got worse but I was managing for now. I was lying to myself and to everyone else because I was scared. Without the amazing support around me I would have crumbled. 

If I’d have sought support from the doctor I am in no doubt that my journey would have been easier or at least felt easier and less lonely. 

If you are reading this and think that you may have PND, I want to encourage you to go and speak to someone. Learn from my mistakes and know that people are for you and that you do not have to walk this journey alone. Asking for help is in no way a weakness, it is courage and strength and a very brave thing to do. 

You don’t choose PND it chooses you, but you do have a choice in how you choose how to battle it.