This month I'm focusing on sharing my story and others stories about PND. Sharing these stories is tough and although at every point I write about my experiences I am worried about what others may think, I know it is 100% crucial to my recovery.
Today I am sharing my story...
On Monday 14th May 2018 I finally made the decision to see my GP, he diagnosed me with PND.
I hadn’t felt ‘right’ since having Isabella and at first I put these feelings down to the baby blues but as time has gone on those feeling have stayed and worsened. I think perhaps these feelings even began when I was pregnant. These feelings; regret, guilt, that I’m not good enough; have become too much. I just feel empty, I’m going through the motions rather than being fully present. These feelings are so raw and writing this I feel embarrassed and incredibly vulnerable. But I know that for me to recover that I need to talk.
I just felt empty. I felt guilty, annoyed and disappointed in myself, looking at my baby, the baby I’d so longed for, and feeling nothing. I’d look at other mums and see their un-devoted love and undivided attention for their baby and I didn’t even know how to talk to mine.
Since opening up about my struggles with motherhood I’ve felt like a massive weight has been lifted. I no longer have to hide my feelings and pretend everything is okay, when it isn’t. I might put makeup on each day, make sure my hair is okay and try to leave the house as much as I can but that doesn’t mean that I am okay inside. Knowing that how I have been feeling is okay, that I’m not alone and that I am now on the road to recovery with the right help is making those hard days, those days where nothing will shift the feelings of emptiness or regret, a little easier.
A few weeks later I had my first counselling appointment and it felt good just to get it all out. I cried, I reflected and I realised that there were other things that possibly had had an impact that I hadn’t seen before. I realised that in fact I did have a pretty rough deal during pregnancy and perhaps my feeling of emptiness had started then, counting down the days till I was no longer sick three times a day, till I could actually leave the house other than for work, till I could actually do things for myself again.
I didn’t at first talk about how I was truly feeling, worried about the reaction of others, particularly my friends and family and even my husband. But I knew that how I was feeling couldn’t go on. I want to be able to enjoy my daughter.
I hope to, were I feel able to to share my story of PND and my road to recovery. I still am worried about the judgement and reaction from some but what is important is that I get better and that my relationship with my daughter gets better too. I know I have to be honest in order for me to get better, because I have to and I want to get better.